


There's A Special Place in My Heart for You

by YeetYeetSkeet



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Coping, Depression, Flashbacks, Healing, M/M, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 02:31:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11118030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeetYeetSkeet/pseuds/YeetYeetSkeet
Summary: Mark had something funny and Jack was laughing. Coke dribbling down his chin and watery eyes from laughing. It was moments like this where Jack wish he could replay.Mark, despite being younger, was taller and stronger."Catch me! " Jack said happily, his voice a bit higher than usual and Mark complied with a smile. He opened his arms and Jack wrapped his arms around Mark's neck, the sweet scent filling Jack's nose. Warm, safe, happy, loved.





	There's A Special Place in My Heart for You

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I just wanted to write this out. I put a bit of my heart in this writing because its based on how I've been feeling. I know the ages are wrong but I meant for it to be like that. I also want to say I am overcoming my depression. It's just small steps. I've been watching a lot of YouTube to keep me from being alone. Jack's feelings are my feelings in this story. And I know I have mentioned Amy in this story but overall I think she's an amazing person, and I have NOTHING against her. I wrote this because I wanted it off my chest. Also because I miss writing. I'm in the middle of editing the next chapter of "I Swear I See Flowers Blooming From Your Chest" and I'm also editing a super hero one shot based off of my favorite super hero Wonder Woman!But I would actually love if you guys left me some prompts!Anyways much love!:D

Jack sat at his desk, fiddling with his pen. Alone. 

He hated this feeling but it was never this strong. Usually Jack could somehow find a beacon of light in Mark. Mark pulled Jack out of the black abyss of sadness. 

But Jack was in the abyss, drowning and being consumed by his own ill mind and he was being consumed by all of these terrible, deep emotions. 

Jack felt like he wasn't safe. At least from himself. There was a medicine cabinet full of pills. There were kitchen knives. There was a car. There was rope. There were many other ways. 

But despite drowning, Jack was trying so unbelievably hard to stay afloat. 

Senior year was suppose to be THE year. And Jack thought he had it all planned out. Well a majority. 

That when Mark graduated they can move in together hopefully and get the dog they always wanted. 

Stop it Jack, he thought to himself. 

_Mark had something funny and Jack was laughing. Coke dribbling down his chin and watery eyes from laughing. It was moments like this where Jack wish he could replay._

_Mark, despite being younger, was taller and stronger._

_"Catch me! " Jack said happily, his voice a bit higher than usual and Mark complied with a smile. He opened his arms and Jack wrapped his arms around Mark's neck, the sweet scent filling Jack's nose. Warm, safe, happy, loved._

Stop it Jack, he told himself again, fiddling with his own more. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Jack felt tears leaking from his eyes. 

The serious conversation of wanting to lose their virginities. 

The serious future talk because Jack was going to college. 

The cheek kisses, the soft kisses, the excited kisses, the bye I'll see you after class kisses, the I'm proud of you kisses, the lustful kisses. 

Jack squeezed his eyes shut and let out a weak sob. 

Despite remembering the good, Jack also remembered the bad. And sadly, Jack remembered that more. 

Especially how Mark had left. 

Mark had slid in the dms. And Jack just went with it. Memes, puppy pictures, kitty pictures, jokes, asking questions to know each other. 

Jack slowly fell for Mark. 

And then the nightly phone calls. They were always after 7. Closer to 8 really. 

Good morning texts. Good night texts. 

Jack had memorized Mark's number. He had every single text. Every selfie that was sent. The polarized picture of when they went to homecoming.

 _Jack had slipped 'I love you' during one of their nightly phone calls. Mark was playing a video game. He shut off the console and was making jokes with Jack. And soon they were saying good night and it slipped. Jack quickly hung up. It left Mark confused but he said it back the next day._

Jack was full on crying. 

Why did he feel emotions so deep? 

He remembered the day so clear when Mark decided to leave. _Jack was having problems at home. His mom and dad were fighting so bad. It was worse than usual. His grandmother passed. And Jack was lost. He didn't know he wanted to major in. He didn't know what school to go to._

__

But Jack was leaving school early. 

__

Him and Mark were a little bumpy. Mark was having some trouble at home which was making him a bit frustrated.

__

But Jack was..sad because the past weekend, Jack was saying I love you during their usual nightly phone call and Mark never said it back. 

__

Looking back, Jack knew Mark as losing interest. 

__

_Mark texted Jack if he was leaving school. And Jack was already off campus so instead of just waiting for the next day to know, Jack told Mark to just tell him. It was making Jack anxious._

Jack leaned forward in his desk, grabbing fistfuls of his own hair, the sobbing cried were a bit louder. 

Why Jack why?

Mark didn't know their future. He didn't know anymore. They were going in different directions. 

_Mark texted Jack over and over please don't hate me._  
And Jack wanted to. But he couldn't find it in himself to hate the younger one. The one with the warm chocolate brown eyes and beautiful hair. The kind one. Jack couldn't. 

 

Friends. They agreed to be friends. But what kind of friendship is blocking one and pretending everything is okay?

Eventually Jack was unblocked. They talked a bit. But Jack begged him to try again. 

Or that they can take a break and fix themselves before trying again. Mark declined. 

In all of that time, Jack felt just one bad thing after another was happening. There was nothing good. 

Jack lost his friends, he was alone. Jack lost his father. Jack's mom didn't care about him anymore. Jack lost his lover. Jack lost his mind. Jack was lost. He was sad. 

An instead of fighting, Jack kept telling himself how he didn't need Mark. 

Instead of fighting, Jack let himself be consumed by the darkness. His grades slipped and dark thoughts were consuming Jack. 

Jack wondered if everyone would be fine without him. 

He wasn't in the picture. No one would give a damn. 

Mark messaged him, asking about some of Jack's posts. They were sad. 

They talked. And despite not dating anymore, Mark was still so supportive. Mark was mad at Jack's mom for treating him that way. Like trash. Like Jack was nothing. 

Jack actually went to seethe school counselor to talk about options of getting away from home. He was tired of the alcohol. He was tired of getting yelled at and put down. Jack was tired of everything. 

Jack usually allowed himself to feel sadness because he could enjoy the happier times more.  
But this was out of hand. 

 

Jack didn't want to be here anymore and Mark was so unbelievably pissed. Because it was selfish. It was cowardly. 

But honest to god, Jack was tired of everything. He couldn't go to his dream school because he had to stay home to help pay bills. Jack got put down by his own mother, who was drinking more and never showed interest in Jack. Jack put in so much effort in his relationship only to have his heart broken. That maybe he was hard to love. Maybe he had no friends because of how weird he was. 

And whatever friends Jack had were going out of state for college. 

Jack gave up his dream, his hobbies to help pay bills. 

But it was hard to do anything because of this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Jack woke up sad. Went to bed sad. It was the worst when Jack was having a good time and the empty feeling arises and ruins the good mood. 

Jack tugged at his hair and opened his eyes to stare at the letters he wrote. 

One to Mark.  
One to Jack's best friend.  
One to Jack's other best friend.  
One to Jack's mother.  
One to Jack's school counselor. 

The school counselor. Ah that woman made everything worse. On the last day of high school, Jack was speaking to her about mental health. Mark was in kind of a bad mood and texted Jack to just tell her how he was feeling. To get the needed help. 

Except the school counselor took it far. 

Write what you feel, what you want to change, what you don't like about home. 

Jack answered all the questions. 

The school counselor made Jack get evaluated for his mental health. 

For some reason, Jack's mom cared all of a sudden. Jack assumed it was to not look bad with other adults. 

The hospital was nice. But Jack got discharged the same day. 

Jack wiped his eyes. 

He just...didn't want to be around. No one would care. 

And the crappiest part was that Mark told him it was selfish. That it wouldn't fix anything.  
But to Jack it was selfish of Mark, making him stay in a world that never paid attention to him. To stay in this god awful place, feeling all of this shit emotions. To still love Mark, but Mark moved on. She was a nice girl. Amy. Jack and Amy talked at school during music class. 

But for Mark to tell Jack to stay, to not be selfish, made Jack question his whole existence. 

Jack was bullied from a young age about his looks, so he was insecure. Jack never had a stable home life. Jack never had many friends. 

He was tired of being alone. And he's tried making friends but no one...cared much..they already had best friends or a group of close friends. And there was Jack. Alone. 

Mark had that group of friends. That hung out every other weekend. Who got high, bought a bunch of snacks, and played video games.  
Jack stayed home and told Mark to be safe. 

 

He absolutely hated the feeling of being replaceable. Because people tell Jack what a great person he is, and then soon right after leave him. Did they lie? Was Jack not enjoyable?  
Jack also hated that people had happy lives. They had an amazing home life, both parents, and had a significant other, had their life planned basically. And here was Jack. His future was blurred and he was alone. 

Killing oneself seems selfish and that the pain would affect others for the rest of theirs. But suicide isn't like that. At least not to Jack. Say if he actually did it. Maybe a few people would miss him. No one would really pay respects to him after he was gone because no one respected him while Jack was alive. And then Jack would become a statistic, and another memory to some. But life would go on. It wouldn't stop for some. 

Jack reached for the drawer, and opened it. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. It was a disgusting habit but it helped...calm him. 

 

Everyone left Jack, and now Jack wanted to leave everyone.  
Jack put the cig between his lips and lit it. 

 

Mark and Jack were inseparable but one day. They separated. And both acted like there was nothing.  
Jack was just..there. His fragile heart that allowed Mark to see, to hold, to love was ripped out and destroyed by the one he loved. Mark destroyed Jack. And he was fine. 

And sometimes Jack realized how much he didn't need Mark. Some days Jack was absolutely confident. And then he would go to message Mark about having a phone call, and then stop. 

Or when something good or bad happens Jack always goes to Mark. But now he can't.  
It's the shittiest thing ever to have so many things to say but no one to talk to. 

When Jack graduated, he wanted to run to Mark to hug him. But instead, they just looked at each other and smiled a bit. 

It's the shittiest thing that no matter how Mark left, how Mark treated Jack after the relationship, how Mark destroyed Jack, Jack could never turn his back to him. He'll always be there for Mark. That it breaks his heart to see Mark getting his life in order and Jack wasn't in the picture the way Mark has promised. 

To Jack, Mark will always hold a very special place in his heart. And Mark could never get replaced. No one could fill the emptiness that Mark did.  
Jack took the cigarette from his lips and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his sweater. It was embarrassing trying to move on, and he ended up bursting into tears because Jack thought of Mark. And this person wasn't Mark. 

Jack looked around the simplicity that he called his bedroom. Just a queen sized bed with white sheets, a closet full of sweaters mainly, and light blue curtains that gave the room a gloomy look. 

 

Jack knew he deserved better. He got his schooling paid for. Mark...wasn't the brightest one in school. Jack usually offered help but Mark would get somewhat irritated and say no.  
Jack knew he deserved someone who wouldn't get high every other weekend and pick their friends over Jack. Jack just wanted to see Mark sometimes.  
Jack knew he deserved better when Mark told him that he didn't believe that Jack's sexuality was a real thing.  
Jack knew he deserved better when Mark invited Jack over to eat lunch with him and his friends and Jack got ignored the whole time.  
Jack knew he deserves better but deep down, he knew he wasn't going to find anyone. He got diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Jack was too hard to love. No one would want to deal with it. 

Jack finished his cig and stood up from his desk and debated if today was the day. 

There's always two options. But Jack was tired of picking the option of holding on. It never gets better. Sure after being admitted to the hospital for suicide and depressed thoughts, things changed. 

 

But Jack was just tired. He grabbed his phone. He was tired of feeling this way. Jack began deleting the pictures him and Mark. He wouldn't delete Mark's contact. But maybe Jack will get something better in life. 

 

Jack deleted a couple of pictures. And inhaled deeply through his nose. 

Jack closed his eyes and gripped his nose. 'Don't cry Jack.' He thought to himself. 

Felix's words fluttered in Jack's mind how Jack deserved all the love he gave to everyone back. That he deserved someone intelligent and someone that would be so excited to see Jack. 

Mark got Amy. But Jack realized when he was getting coffee was that if Mark came back asking for a second chance, Jack...couldn't give him a second chance. It would leave Jack constantly in a paranoid state because what if Mark breaks up with him again?But there's always that lingering question of what if it'll work a second time? 

Jack opened his eyes to the chirping of birds. He unlocked his phone and checked the time. 

It was 4 A.M. and Jack missed someone who didn't care anymore. 

Jack sniffled, holding back the tears. He didn't need Mark. He was a good person on his own. 

There would always be a spot for Mark deep, deep down in Jack's heart. One that will never be filled. Because it was for Mark. And no one can ever give Jack the same love as Mark. 

There will always be a love for Mark. There will always be a spot in Jack's heart that will always hold the treasured memories and the memory of sweet kisses. 

Jack loved Mark. And he couldn't feel like this anymore. Jack misses his old self. 

 

Jack let go of something he couldn't have anymore.


End file.
